Idle Currents

AN EDITORIAL CRY FOR HELP

2005-08-26T14:34:00.000-07:00

Informants Needed

Seeking tips as to the veracity of rumors that a music video network is holding some sort of awards show this weekend. If true…why not publicized?? Any word as to whether said awards show may be rerun, perhaps several times daily, for the next three months? Finally, Omarion or Bow Wow? Serious replies only.

2005-08-24T15:30:00.000-07:00

“Overseas assassinations one day, low carb baking the next,” Robertson said. “Welcome to the enigma that is Pat.”

CBS APOLOGIZES FOR ROONEY'S “FUNNY BLACKS” ROUTINE

2005-08-24T10:45:00.000-07:00

The Sunday monologue from 60 Minutes humorist Andy Rooney seemed ill-fated almost from the satirist’s opening salvo.

“Have you ever wondered how the blacks got so funny?” Rooney mused. “I sure have!”

Rooney offered a list of African American comedians he enjoys, each name prefaced by the phrase “Here’s a funny black,” and followed by a brief stand-up clip sprkinkled with Rooneyesque commentary. The aging humorist finally declared Steve Harvey his favorite proclaiming him “the new Rochester” and unexpectedly describing the WB star’s hindquarters as “pleasingly ample.”

CBS News executives apologized for the remarks explaining that had they realized Rooney was still alive his segment would have been screened before it aired. They promised that next week’s segment “Can Opener, Schman Opener” would be considerably tamer.

BECAUSE NOBODY WANTS TO WAKE UP TO A MONDAY MORNING DEFAMATION SUIT

2005-08-20T18:43:00.000-07:00

As part of his plan to expose his wee wee to the world one person at a time instead of en masse over the internet, the lawyers representing a certain actor have contacted even the most inane of websites (I'd link you, but you're already here) demanding the removal of certain revealing images, even where cropped to removed the offending (but inconspicuous) genitalia. Please note that moving forward all references to Jude Law's penis will be accompanied only by the devilishly cute crab seen in the story below. Draw your own conclusions....

BORED ON VACATION, BUSH ATTEMPTS INVASION OF PRUSSIA

2005-08-19T12:36:00.000-07:00

Forced indoors by West Texas thunderstorms, a frustrated President Bush yesterday launched a multi-pronged offensive against the now defunct Kingdom of Prussia, a move that he hoped would enliven his working vacation but instead sparked criticism from antiwar protestors and historians. “Today the United States confronts an enemy whose time is long overdue: the evil and despotic regime of Prussia,” Bush said in a televised address. “Let King Frederick the Great and those of his ilk hear loud and clear that America will not stand idly by while our friends in Austria and Napoleonic France are subjected to the aggressions of this fascist dictatorship. Make no mistake, the road will be hard, but the United States will stay the course.”

Critics of the action pointed to the logistical difficulties of successfully mounting an attack against an eighteenth century monarch and a nation already disbanded by Nazis, but Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said credence should not be given to those he characterized as “naysayers.”

“This whole idea that because we have not found Prussia, that because I can’t point to it on a map it doesn’t exist, this is the sort of backwards thinking we need to move away from. Prussia may very well exist somewhere, in some form, and if it does then its behavior should be dealt with swiftly and severely,” Rumsfeld said, perhaps referring to the kingdom’s 1763 seizure of a small Austrian territory.

The President’s announcement has thus far prompted mostly bewilderment and a flood of speculation. “The most logical guess would be that the President was perhaps playing a game of Risk and got very, very carried away,” Howard Stevens, a professor of history at the University of Pennsylvania said. “If he was actually looking for a historical kingdom to go to war with, Prussia, a model democracy for many years, would be an unlikely choice. I’m pretty sure that if there still were such a thing as Prussians they would be extremely hurt by this announcement.”

A White House insider said that while the administration was somewhat embarrassed by the announcement and that in retrospect the decision to activate an additional 50,000 reservists may have been unwise, administration officials were hopeful that the President’s actions might send a message to rogue states like Saxony and Galindia and perhaps even help rein in the troublesome Vandals.

BTK KILLER REMAINS UPBEAT AFTER TEN LIFE SENTENCES

2005-08-18T15:52:00.000-07:00

Dennis Rader, confessed serial killer and part time James Lipton stand-in, says he is still in good spirits after receiving ten consecutive life sentences for a series of brutal murders that took place between 1974 and 1991.

“I’ve tried to live my life in a positive manner and I’m not going to let this hold me back,” Rader said to reporters gathered outside his Wichita courtroom. “I really think this whole trial went pretty well. If nothing else, I feel like this gives me a chance to catch up on a lot of the hobbies I’ve overlooked while running from the law.” Rader said that reading and working out were near the top of the list although he confessed that mountain biking and skeet shooting would probably have to be put on hold for the time being.

Rader, one of the more notorious monsters in recent murder history, was equally unperturbed by the tough words of a district attorney who mocked his “crocodile tears” and called him “a worthless human being.”

“I don’t know what her deal was,” Rader said, “but she was obviously on a really bad trip in there. That kind of negativity is bad for the soul. You have to feel sorry for someone like that.”

Rader said he intended to use his first few weeks in prison to “get centered” and really find himself as well as to fashion a crude shiv in hopes of warding off would-be attackers.

50 CENT CANCELS APPEARANCE AT CATHOLIC YOUTH FESTIVAL, BEEF WITH SISTERS OF ST. AGNES CITED

2005-08-18T10:22:00.000-07:00

Disappointing thousands of pious hip hop enthusiasts, rapper 50 Cent has announced that he will no longer travel to Dusseldorf as planned to take part in the Musical Picnic portion of this year’s Catholic World Youth Day. Fifty, who was slated to perform hits including Gatman and Robin, Blood Hound, and P.I.M.P, is believed to have bailed on the festival as the result of a highly publicized feud with the Sisters of St. Agnes, a group of Gregorian chanters whose 2002 album Gloria Deus was a surprise chart-topping hit. In media appearances the rapper has referred to the sisters as “fake ass bitches” and criticized the nuns for what he perceives as an alliance with arch-nemesis Ja Rule. Members of the convent, widely believed to have played a role in the February assault of G-Unit henchman Young Buck, expressed disappointment at the announcement but added that they are not prepared to let the feud go until the rapper stops disrespecting the order and takes back comments impugning the sisters’ chastity. Festival organizers said they would replace the rapper with popular one armed violist Pedro Juarez.

CRUISE BLAMES PSYCHIATRY FOR LAW’S EMBARRASSING PENIS

2005-08-17T15:17:00.000-07:00

Speaking from the set of Mission Impossible III, Tom Cruise criticized Jude Law’s penis calling the organ “unimpressive” and “way smaller than mine” while noting that the actor may be able to add both girth and length through a regimen of vitamins and minerals. Pictures of Law’s penis, which have circulated rapidly over the internet since an unknown paparazzi caught the actor changing swimsuits outside of a French country home, came to Cruise’s attention yesterday while performing a Google image search for the word “penis.” A spokesman for Cruise tells us that the search, performed daily, is a part of the actor’s scientific research and in no way sexual.

The War of the Worlds star said that the Law’s tiny package was probably the result of the marital therapy in which the actor has taken part since being caught in a highly publicized affair with his nanny last month. “I’ve helped a lot of men work on their genitals—and I mean a lot,” Cruise said. “Psychiatry, enlargement surgeries and prescription drugs, these aren’t the answers.” Cruise went on to say that the Church of Scientology has the only program in the world proven to help men double their genital size in a matter of weeks.

Cruise also expressed concern over Law’s public image which has taken a hit in recent months after a string of box office flops, admitted incidents of sexual impropriety, and now the nude pictures. “If this keeps up, people may start thinking there’s something wrong with him,” Cruise worried.

GRANDMOTHER CREDITS MYSPACE FOR DICAPRIO ROMANCE

2005-08-12T16:02:00.000-07:00

A 67-year-old Florida retiree has announced that she will be the new Mrs. Leonardo DiCaprio thanks to a popular networking website. Imogene Evans says that she joined Myspace.com six months ago in an attempt to spice up her otherwise dreary existence and was surprised when the movie star’s name came up in a search she ran. A huge fan of DiCaprio’s Titanic, Evans said she figured the actor must be a Myspace enthusiast since he appeared to have created nearly forty profiles on the site.

“I wrote him a pretty straightforward email just telling him how much I like his acting, so I was fairly surprised when he responded in a sexual way,” she says.

Love blossomed quickly for the pair and soon they were corresponding daily through email and instant messages. “Leo is at home a lot more than you’d imagine; he’s online pretty much all the time,” she said. Evans says that she corresponded with a number of other celebrities through Myspace including Colin Farrell, Justin Timberlake, and former President Clinton and although she admitted to occasional flirting she says that DiCaprio was the only person from the site with whom she has been intimate.

“He mentioned cybering early on and at first I was dead-set against it. But sometimes one thing leads to another,” she says coyly. Evans admits she has only spoken to the actor once by phone (“he sounds very different than he does in the movies”) and that the two have never met in person. Yet she feels confident about their future together and is undaunted by the actor’s engagement to model Giselle Bundchen. “L-Dawg tells me he just needs to let her down in his own way.”

2005-08-12T15:52:00.000-07:00

Rob Dibleski, 20, is sad about the end of the Chappelle Show which he says "made him feel like a brotha." He supposes this will be the end of his Rick James impression and he will be forced to dust off his In Living Color DVD's.

BRITNEY BABY PLEADS “GET ME OFF THIS CRAZY RIDE”

2005-08-12T11:33:00.000-07:00

The yet-to-be-born child of pop star Britney Spears is rumored to have begun a search for new parents.

Pet psychic Armand Day, who also claims an ability to communicate with the unborn, says he was summoned to the singer’s Malibu home last week to check on the fetus Federline. “This is a remarkably unhappy child,” Day reported. Although the baby voiced concerns about issues ranging from the paparazzi to a growing Mountain Dew addiction, the child’s harshest words were reserved for its parents. “The baby refers to Britney as ‘Skank Mommy’ and doesn’t understand why Kevin is intent on ‘acting all black.’”

The fetus also begged not to be included in the couple’s reality show “Chaotic” which it characterized as “juvenile” and cautioned the public that “Skank Mommy is never going to lose the weight.”

WOMAN SEEKS GOD FINDS GIN

2005-08-12T11:23:00.000-07:00

Janet Dawbs says that after twenty years of trying to achieve inner happiness through spiritual contemplation she discovered that the answer was as close as the corner liquor store. “Ever since the early 80’s I was lost,” Dawbs says. “I tried everything to find peace--yoga, meditation, long walks in the park, those weird snake handling churches—but inside I was still empty.”

Dawbs says she began drinking at a party six weeks ago and hasn’t stopped since. “I’ve discovered the only holy trinity I need: Jack, Jager, and Seven and Seven,” Dawbs said with a loud whoop after she returned our phone call at three in the morning and insisted on being called “the Crunkmaster General.” Dawbs went on to say she regrets the years she spent sober but credits her new faith in alcohol with helping her to move past her earlier mistakes, noting that she can barely remember what happened last night, let alone years ago. “I’m just thankful I stopped before I got into something really dangerous-- like Kabbalah,” she says.

A SOBER WHITNEY HOUSTON PROMPTS CONCERN

2005-08-11T15:55:00.000-07:00

In a development that stunned star-struck onlookers and seasoned paparazzi alike, a noticeably sober Whitney Houston was spotted shopping with her husband (reportedly a former musician himself) in Beverly Hills this afternoon.

“I’ve never seen her like this before,” said Louisa Pratt, a tourist from Tennessee. “This really isn’t how I want my kids to remember Whitney.”

“She’s been sober-ish several times over the last ten or twelve years,” a correspondent for US Weekly explained. “To the point where she can walk unassisted and have conversations with people who actually exist. But this is the first instance of full-fledged documented sobriety.” She added that next week’s US will include a special Lindsay Lohan pullout section to compensate for what could be a dearth of Houston-related material.

Entertainment insiders offered a number of possible explanations for the diva’s behavior including “Bobby Brown beat the crack out of her” “there isn’t enough crack left in LA to get her high” and the always popular “she told you crack was whack.”

SUPREME COURT NEARLY DISBANDS AMIDST CONTENTIOUS AMERICAN IDOL BATTLE

2005-08-11T15:06:00.000-07:00

In the weeks since her surprise departure from the Supreme Court, new reports have surfaced suggesting that Sandra Day O’Connor’s decision to retire was not prompted as thought by her husband’s declining health but instead by a dispute with another Justice over a popular reality television show.

Problems began when O’Connor overheard Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg refer to American Idol contestant Carrie Underwood as “trashy” in a courthouse hallway. “O’Connor didn’t say anything at the time,” a Court clerk said, speaking on the condition of anonymity, “but inside she was fuming. She thought it was a hell of a position to take, especially by a Bo Bice supporter like Ginsburg.”

O’Connor, who judicial observers say has a bent toward the passive aggressive, then began a calculated campaign to undermine Ginsburg and her pro-Bice stance. In an oral argument concerning the Constitutionality of Oregon fishery legislation, she asked an attorney whether the spotted malamut was “just a little endangered or almost totally nonexistent…like Bo Bice’s chance of being the next American Idol.” This provoked a cold glare from Justice Ginsburg, but tempers flared less than a week later when Ginsburg noticed an O’Connor inserted footnote in the newly revised Federal Rules of Civil Procedure specifying that if attorney workproduct was not turned over to the court in a timely fashion “your ass shall be in worse shape than Bo Bice trying to sing an on-key ballad.”

“Ginsburg had really had enough,” the clerk says. “She stormed into O’Connor’s office and slammed the door. Then you could only hear bits and pieces. Ginsburg calling O’Connor a ‘frigid-ass battleaxe.’ O’Conner calling Ginsburg ‘an undercover rug munch.’ Nobody was sure what was going to happen next, but we all had the sense that the Court might not be the same.”

Tensions were apparent during the justices’ annual visit to Six Flags Arlington the following Monday. At one point during the afternoon O’Connor reportedly told Justice Souter to think twice before sitting next to “Witchy McWitch Witch” (as she had taken to calling Ginsburg) on the Wet ‘n Wild ride. Later, Ginsburg “accidentally” unlatched O’Connor’s safety harness as she was about to board the Super G-Force.

Rosalind Wiseman, author of the book Mean Girls, says these sorts of conflicts are characteristic of interpersonal struggles between two women in high-pressure situations. “It doesn’t surprise me, really. In high school disagreements will take on rather adolescent forms, gossiping and note passing and so forth. But they evolve and deepen as you age. I could definitely see a Supreme Court justice trying to off her colleague on a thrill ride.”

By the day of the American Idol finals, the Court had been divided into factions. O’Connor had recruited Justices Scalia and Rehnquist onto what she called “Team Underwood” while Justices Kennedy and Breyer were firm Bo Bice supporters. (After his repeated suggestions to “just mud wrestle and get it out of your system” went unheeded, Clarence Thomas did not seem particularly invested in the sing-off.) And while what transpired that evening remains shrouded in mystery, we do know that O’Connor emerged from the evening both exuberant (she reportedly climbed atop an end table when Underwood was named American Idol) and resolutely determined to vacate her seat on the Court.

“We all knew why,” the clerk said. “It seemed clear that no matter what else she accomplished, this would always be the pinnacle of her professional life. O’Connor wanted to go out on top.”

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE CONFRONTS GAY SAILOR RUMORS

2005-08-11T10:52:00.000-07:00

Johnny Knoxville denied widespread speculation that he had joined a secret gay naval militia while filming The Dukes of Hazzard. Rumors sprang up on the internet and in gossip columns after the head Jackass made a series of New York media appearances last week wearing the bizarre combination of sailor hat, ill-fitting shirt, and Capri pants seen at left.

In an interview with Mark Happerin of Esquire, Knoxville apologized for the confusion. “The gay pirate thing is bogus,” he said. “I was just on a lot of drugs last week.” The news came as a disappointment to costume shop proprietors and Captain Morgan’s marketing execs who had hoped that teenagers would pursue the “gay pirate thing” with the same vigor with which they thrust themselves down flights of stairs during the height of the “Jackass” craze.

POPE SET TO MOVE CHURCH AWAY FROM GOD

2005-08-11T10:33:00.000-07:00

Confounding pundits who had predicted that he would be even more conservative than his predecessor, Pope Benedict XVI told a crowd gathered outside St. Peter’s Basilica earlier today that he believed the Catholic Church was “too wrapped up in all this God stuff.”

The declaration drew gasps from the crowd and an audible murmur that persisted even as the Holy Father asked the crowd to “lighten up already.” The pontiff went on to call for fewer masses and more weekly bingo gatherings, concluding with a plea that the “uniform committee or whoever” do away with current papal garments in favor of something more formfitting. The Pope’s unusual homily drew mixed reactions. Some Vatican-watchers characterized it as “quirky” or “refreshing” while others found it “downright loony.”

Michael Baker of the Catholic University of America speculated that this might underscore a potential danger of the College of Cardinals papal selection procedure. “The College wanted an older man who wouldn’t stay in power as long as John Paul did. But if you go too old you obviously face some dangers with regard to one’s mental faculties.” Baker went on to qualify his opinions as “basically worthless” since he is a Lutheran home economics instructor at the University.

WOMEN IN SHAM MARRIAGES GRATEFUL FOR HOLLYWOOD ROLE MODELS

2005-08-11T10:23:00.000-07:00

Women trapped in loveless relationships report a palpable boost in self esteem resulting from the growing number of transparent celebrity sham marriages. Carolyn Stagg, who describes her husband Bob as a blackout drunk and serial philanderer, says that she feels better about her own life when she sees celebrities like Jessica Simpson or Katie Holmes struggling with similar issues. “I was nineteen when Bob and I got married, and to be honest it was mostly a business decision. I don’t regret it, I have nice things now, but sometimes it’s hard and I feel bad about the fact that I sacrificed so many years of my youth in a relationship that I knew would never fulfill me. Seeing someone like Jessica or Katie validates my decision a little bit.”

Lupe Greenstein, who married her husband Ari to avoid being deported to Bolivia, echoes this sentiment. “Before, you’d mostly find out a marriage was fake after the fact, or else it would be people way out there like Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley. Now sham marriage is so in your face!”

But as Charles Pole of the Scientology Celebrity Centre reminds us, perfecting your own sham marriage can take years of work. “First of all, you have to understand that when it comes to loveless coupling, we were really at the forefront—the Church has been doing this for years. And even after thousands of dollars worth of auditing, doubts can creep in. Let’s just say that even Kelly Preston has her bad days.” Pole recommends that individuals thinking of creating a loveless union first speak with friends and family to help them gauge whether a sexless relationship void of real meaning might be the right next step for them.

CLINTON: PRESIDENT BUSH A "FRUITCAKE"

2005-08-10T15:40:00.000-07:00

While cautioning reporters that even he was unsure what he was saying, a visibly intoxicated Bill Clinton expressed sympathy for President Bush at a fundraiser for the American Oceans Campaign Tuesday night, indicating that he too would have had a rocky administration if he had been “a latent homosexual.”

The former chief executive changed gears rapidly, one minute making derisive comments about the skills of Texas Rangers manager Buck Showalter, the next wondering out loud why parsley was only a garnish before reporters asked whether he was insinuating that the President might be gay.

“Does liking man-ass make you gay?” Clinton quipped.

The ex-President began to answer his own question but was whisked away by aides before he could continue. Clinton reappeared briefly later in the evening and apologized for his earlier comments, explaining that he didn’t really think that President Bush was a homosexual, just that “he should maybe marry Katie Holmes or something” at which point he began to laugh so heartily that he lost consciousness.

NASA TACKLES STICKY CHEWING GUM PROBLEM

2005-08-10T14:53:00.000-07:00

In what is widely seen as an attempt to rehabilitate its deteriorating public image, NASA has announced that a top priority for its 2007 research cycle will be a deeper exploration into the properties of everyday chewing gum. The embattled National Aeronautics and Space Administration, currently under fire for shuttle design defects and general scientific shortcomings, says it will pay special attention to what it calls the “stickiosity” of chewing and bubble gums.

NASA spokesman John Lovejoy said in a teleconference this morning that NASA is “way beyond excited” about the new project. “I really feel like this is the direction we’ve been heading in for a while,” Lovejoy said. “This has the potential to make Tang and moon rocks look like nothing.” Although the project’s intent was somewhat clouded by the difficult scientific language with which Lovejoy presented it, the focus of the new operation appears to be the development of a polymer that would allow gums of all types to maintain their current flavor without being sticky. “When you think about it, there’s no reason they should be all sticky like that,” Lovejoy said. “And if they’re not, you could step in gum all day long and still have clean shoes.”

The project, which will wrap in 2010 and has a budget of $375M, was greeted with a mixture of confusion and pleasant surprise by chewing gum executives who said they had neither sought NASA’s help with the stickiness problem nor realized that the stickiness of gum was, in fact, a problem in the first place. When questioned about why the research could not be conducted here on Earth, Lovejoy abruptly announced that he “had to take another call” and hung up the phone.

CRAIGSLIST: MORE THAN A PLACE TO BARTER SEXUAL FAVORS FOR HOUSEHOLD APPAREL

2005-08-10T14:44:00.000-07:00

Elsa Spinkens of Fair Plains, North Dakota didn’t have the money to open up the decorative rock store she had always dreamed of owning. So she did what any twenty-first century entrepreneur might; she started her own website. “Decorativerocksandfestivestones.com only lasted a month and a half,” Spinkens relates sadly. “I guess at the end of the day people weren’t as interested in rocks with painted faces as I thought they were.”

But economists point to another possible explanation. “The days are pretty much gone when you could market anything you wanted through a personalized website,” says Phillip LeFonte of the University of Arizona. “If you’re really intent on peddling useless crap, you need to go through an already established public forum, an eBay or a Craigslist. And of the two, I think Craigslist is the wave of the future.” LeFonte points out that thanks to its heavily traveled personals section Craigslist is one-stop shopping, a place to pick up a four hundred pound antique dentist’s chair and a date for Saturday night in one fell swoop.

Tommy Hong, 32, began using Craigslist last year while he was searching for a new job but quickly discovered the personals. “I was hooked instantly!” Hong raves. “In real life, girls won’t look twice at me. But when I meet a girl online, we can spend hundreds of hours im’ing and trading emails before we go out for coffee and she stops returning my phone calls.”

Stevyn Smith, 23, of Boston, says he appreciates the broad appeal of Craig’s famous list. “In real life if you say something like ‘Oh, I’m into being tied up’ or ‘I’m into leather and pain’ or ‘I really want to masturbate next to you in the shower at the gym’ people look at you like you’re a little off, believe me. But in the Men for Men section that’s the norm. It really makes you feel a part of something.”

Dwayne Brooks confirms, “If it wasn’t for Craigslist, I probably never would’ve discovered how into scat play I really am!”

And if people come for the personals they stay for the sale listings. “In the economics world we call it cross pollination,” LeFonte says. “You may come online because you’re looking for a threesome or a transsexual and then say ‘Wow, I could really use a television set that won’t turn on or a three-legged rabbit.’ This is the underpinning of the Craigslist economy.”

Which brings us back to Elsa Spinkens. While she has abandoned the decorative stone business once and for all, she has found new employment (where else?) on Craigslist. “I tutor pre-meds for the MCAT’s,” she says proudly. Although Spinkens has only an eleventh grade education and confesses that she sometimes must make up names for the bones of the body and various biological processes, she credits Craigslist for her success. “On a bulletin board you can just post an ad and be anyone you want to be.”

ABC COMPLETES INTERVIEWS OF ALL WHO MET JENNINGS

2005-08-10T12:24:00.000-07:00

Begins Intervieweing Those Who Never Met Jennings But Wanted To

Wallace Cook, the only remaining individual who had met Peter Jennings and not yet described his experiences on network television, broke his silence this morning with an appearance on ABC’s Good Morning America. Cook, a cab driver who transported Jennings from his Central Park West apartment to a deli some ten blocks away in February of 1995, described the whole thing as a little surreal.

“To be honest, I’m not even sure it was Peter Jennings,” Cook said. “I mean, he definitely sounded like Peter Jennings. But I really thought this guy was Italian. Plus I don’t remember Peter Jennings having a moustache at any point.”

GMA anchor Charles Gibson seemed unfazed by Cook’s uncertainty this morning as he interviewed the driver about Jennings’ possible choice of deli meats, nodding solemnly and remarking “That’s so Peter.”

Cook’s special “Peter Jennings: Driven. A Personal Recollection” will air on ABC at 8 pm on Thursday.

NEW MORNING SHOW TO BE EXACTLY LIKE STERN SHOW ONLY WITHOUT STERN

2005-08-10T12:13:00.000-07:00

Howard Stern’s announcement that he will depart terrestrial radio in January has left Viacom radio brass scrambling. “At first we weren’t quite sure what to do,” a source inside the company confessed. Initial suggestions were that the company transform itself into a more profitable Spanish language network. “It’s where the money is nowadays,” our source confirmed, “but there were people higher up in the company who adopted the attitude of ‘hey, I didn’t get into this business to develop radio for my gardener or my housekeeper.’ All you can really do in a situation like that is tell Les he’s right and go back to the drawing board.”

While Viacom has yet to officially announce its new broadcast strategy, our source confirms reports that the morning drive duty will be split between comedian Adam Carolla in several West Coast cities and former Van Halen frontman David Lee Roth in the East. Plans for Viacom-owned stations in the Midwest were less clear, however executives within the company have expressed optimism that a suitable on-air presence would emerge before January. “It’s the flyover—we’ll throw on some guy in a cowboy hat and play bluegrass…whatever,” a Viacom rep told trade pub Radio and Records earlier this month.

Although it is uncertain exactly what led to the decision to go with Roth and Carolla, media observers speculate that the most important factors were probably name recognition, a modicum of broadcast experience, and the fact that both men have “faces made for radio.” Our source refused to comment on reports that Roth was only offered the job after Viacom learned that former Poison drummer Rikki Rockett already had his own deal with Sirius and would be unavailable.

More recently executives have faced an even more daunting challenge, trying to determine the format of the new shows. “We want to hold onto Howard’s 18-49 demo so what you’re going to hear is going to be very Howardesque,” the source said, adding that the company was actively casting the roles of “overweight drunken sidekick”, “well-spoken but obstinate black woman”, and “mute who plays funny sounds” for both the Carolla and Roth shows.

“Howard doesn’t have the market cornered on naked chicks and midgets,” our source went on. “We’ve got a bit in the works where Dave is going to cover retards in Velcro and then hurl midgets at them. And Adam came up with the idea of an amputee picnic complete with a two-legged race and fast-pitch softball. You’re not gonna get that on satellite.”

One thing that will change, however, is the amount of time the two radio personalities will actually spend broadcasting. “We feel like we’ve gone a little light on Howard’s commercial load,” our Viacom operative tells us, noting that the company has set a new target of forty seven minutes per hour of sellable commercial time. “For Adam and Dave the show will play a little differently. Like sometimes we’ll just come back and play thirty seconds worth of fart sounds or whatever and then cut back to a break. And we’re toying with the idea of making the entire seven o’clock hour just ads. ‘Sales at seven’; we like that.”