CRUISE BLAMES PSYCHIATRY FOR LAW’S EMBARRASSING PENIS

Speaking from the set of Mission Impossible III, Tom Cruise criticized Jude Law’s penis calling the organ “unimpressive” and “way smaller than mine” while noting that the actor may be able to add both girth and length through a regimen of vitamins and minerals. Pictures of Law’s penis, which have circulated rapidly over the internet since an unknown paparazzi caught the actor changing swimsuits outside of a French country home, came to Cruise’s attention yesterday while performing a Google image search for the word “penis.” A spokesman for Cruise tells us that the search, performed daily, is a part of the actor’s scientific research and in no way sexual.

The War of the Worlds star said that the Law’s tiny package was probably the result of the marital therapy in which the actor has taken part since being caught in a highly publicized affair with his nanny last month. “I’ve helped a lot of men work on their genitals—and I mean a lot,” Cruise said. “Psychiatry, enlargement surgeries and prescription drugs, these aren’t the answers.” Cruise went on to say that the Church of Scientology has the only program in the world proven to help men double their genital size in a matter of weeks.

Cruise also expressed concern over Law’s public image which has taken a hit in recent months after a string of box office flops, admitted incidents of sexual impropriety, and now the nude pictures. “If this keeps up, people may start thinking there’s something wrong with him,” Cruise worried.