AN EDITORIAL CRY FOR HELP

Informants Needed

Seeking tips as to the veracity of rumors that a music video network is holding some sort of awards show this weekend. If true…why not publicized?? Any word as to whether said awards show may be rerun, perhaps several times daily, for the next three months? Finally, Omarion or Bow Wow? Serious replies only.

“Overseas assassinations one day, low carb baking the next,” Robertson said. “Welcome to the enigma that is Pat.”

CBS APOLOGIZES FOR ROONEY'S “FUNNY BLACKS” ROUTINE

The Sunday monologue from 60 Minutes humorist Andy Rooney seemed ill-fated almost from the satirist’s opening salvo.

“Have you ever wondered how the blacks got so funny?” Rooney mused. “I sure have!”

Rooney offered a list of African American comedians he enjoys, each name prefaced by the phrase “Here’s a funny black,” and followed by a brief stand-up clip sprkinkled with Rooneyesque commentary. The aging humorist finally declared Steve Harvey his favorite proclaiming him “the new Rochester” and unexpectedly describing the WB star’s hindquarters as “pleasingly ample.”

CBS News executives apologized for the remarks explaining that had they realized Rooney was still alive his segment would have been screened before it aired. They promised that next week’s segment “Can Opener, Schman Opener” would be considerably tamer.

BECAUSE NOBODY WANTS TO WAKE UP TO A MONDAY MORNING DEFAMATION SUIT

As part of his plan to expose his wee wee to the world one person at a time instead of en masse over the internet, the lawyers representing a certain actor have contacted even the most inane of websites (I'd link you, but you're already here) demanding the removal of certain revealing images, even where cropped to removed the offending (but inconspicuous) genitalia. Please note that moving forward all references to Jude Law's penis will be accompanied only by the devilishly cute crab seen in the story below. Draw your own conclusions....

BORED ON VACATION, BUSH ATTEMPTS INVASION OF PRUSSIA

Forced indoors by West Texas thunderstorms, a frustrated President Bush yesterday launched a multi-pronged offensive against the now defunct Kingdom of Prussia, a move that he hoped would enliven his working vacation but instead sparked criticism from antiwar protestors and historians. “Today the United States confronts an enemy whose time is long overdue: the evil and despotic regime of Prussia,” Bush said in a televised address. “Let King Frederick the Great and those of his ilk hear loud and clear that America will not stand idly by while our friends in Austria and Napoleonic France are subjected to the aggressions of this fascist dictatorship. Make no mistake, the road will be hard, but the United States will stay the course.”

Critics of the action pointed to the logistical difficulties of successfully mounting an attack against an eighteenth century monarch and a nation already disbanded by Nazis, but Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said credence should not be given to those he characterized as “naysayers.”

“This whole idea that because we have not found Prussia, that because I can’t point to it on a map it doesn’t exist, this is the sort of backwards thinking we need to move away from. Prussia may very well exist somewhere, in some form, and if it does then its behavior should be dealt with swiftly and severely,” Rumsfeld said, perhaps referring to the kingdom’s 1763 seizure of a small Austrian territory.

The President’s announcement has thus far prompted mostly bewilderment and a flood of speculation. “The most logical guess would be that the President was perhaps playing a game of Risk and got very, very carried away,” Howard Stevens, a professor of history at the University of Pennsylvania said. “If he was actually looking for a historical kingdom to go to war with, Prussia, a model democracy for many years, would be an unlikely choice. I’m pretty sure that if there still were such a thing as Prussians they would be extremely hurt by this announcement.”

A White House insider said that while the administration was somewhat embarrassed by the announcement and that in retrospect the decision to activate an additional 50,000 reservists may have been unwise, administration officials were hopeful that the President’s actions might send a message to rogue states like Saxony and Galindia and perhaps even help rein in the troublesome Vandals.

BTK KILLER REMAINS UPBEAT AFTER TEN LIFE SENTENCES

Dennis Rader, confessed serial killer and part time James Lipton stand-in, says he is still in good spirits after receiving ten consecutive life sentences for a series of brutal murders that took place between 1974 and 1991.

“I’ve tried to live my life in a positive manner and I’m not going to let this hold me back,” Rader said to reporters gathered outside his Wichita courtroom. “I really think this whole trial went pretty well. If nothing else, I feel like this gives me a chance to catch up on a lot of the hobbies I’ve overlooked while running from the law.” Rader said that reading and working out were near the top of the list although he confessed that mountain biking and skeet shooting would probably have to be put on hold for the time being.

Rader, one of the more notorious monsters in recent murder history, was equally unperturbed by the tough words of a district attorney who mocked his “crocodile tears” and called him “a worthless human being.”

“I don’t know what her deal was,” Rader said, “but she was obviously on a really bad trip in there. That kind of negativity is bad for the soul. You have to feel sorry for someone like that.”

Rader said he intended to use his first few weeks in prison to “get centered” and really find himself as well as to fashion a crude shiv in hopes of warding off would-be attackers.

50 CENT CANCELS APPEARANCE AT CATHOLIC YOUTH FESTIVAL, BEEF WITH SISTERS OF ST. AGNES CITED

Disappointing thousands of pious hip hop enthusiasts, rapper 50 Cent has announced that he will no longer travel to Dusseldorf as planned to take part in the Musical Picnic portion of this year’s Catholic World Youth Day. Fifty, who was slated to perform hits including Gatman and Robin, Blood Hound, and P.I.M.P, is believed to have bailed on the festival as the result of a highly publicized feud with the Sisters of St. Agnes, a group of Gregorian chanters whose 2002 album Gloria Deus was a surprise chart-topping hit. In media appearances the rapper has referred to the sisters as “fake ass bitches” and criticized the nuns for what he perceives as an alliance with arch-nemesis Ja Rule. Members of the convent, widely believed to have played a role in the February assault of G-Unit henchman Young Buck, expressed disappointment at the announcement but added that they are not prepared to let the feud go until the rapper stops disrespecting the order and takes back comments impugning the sisters’ chastity. Festival organizers said they would replace the rapper with popular one armed violist Pedro Juarez.

CRUISE BLAMES PSYCHIATRY FOR LAW’S EMBARRASSING PENIS

Speaking from the set of Mission Impossible III, Tom Cruise criticized Jude Law’s penis calling the organ “unimpressive” and “way smaller than mine” while noting that the actor may be able to add both girth and length through a regimen of vitamins and minerals. Pictures of Law’s penis, which have circulated rapidly over the internet since an unknown paparazzi caught the actor changing swimsuits outside of a French country home, came to Cruise’s attention yesterday while performing a Google image search for the word “penis.” A spokesman for Cruise tells us that the search, performed daily, is a part of the actor’s scientific research and in no way sexual.

The War of the Worlds star said that the Law’s tiny package was probably the result of the marital therapy in which the actor has taken part since being caught in a highly publicized affair with his nanny last month. “I’ve helped a lot of men work on their genitals—and I mean a lot,” Cruise said. “Psychiatry, enlargement surgeries and prescription drugs, these aren’t the answers.” Cruise went on to say that the Church of Scientology has the only program in the world proven to help men double their genital size in a matter of weeks.

Cruise also expressed concern over Law’s public image which has taken a hit in recent months after a string of box office flops, admitted incidents of sexual impropriety, and now the nude pictures. “If this keeps up, people may start thinking there’s something wrong with him,” Cruise worried.

GRANDMOTHER CREDITS MYSPACE FOR DICAPRIO ROMANCE

A 67-year-old Florida retiree has announced that she will be the new Mrs. Leonardo DiCaprio thanks to a popular networking website. Imogene Evans says that she joined Myspace.com six months ago in an attempt to spice up her otherwise dreary existence and was surprised when the movie star’s name came up in a search she ran. A huge fan of DiCaprio’s Titanic, Evans said she figured the actor must be a Myspace enthusiast since he appeared to have created nearly forty profiles on the site.

“I wrote him a pretty straightforward email just telling him how much I like his acting, so I was fairly surprised when he responded in a sexual way,” she says.

Love blossomed quickly for the pair and soon they were corresponding daily through email and instant messages. “Leo is at home a lot more than you’d imagine; he’s online pretty much all the time,” she said. Evans says that she corresponded with a number of other celebrities through Myspace including Colin Farrell, Justin Timberlake, and former President Clinton and although she admitted to occasional flirting she says that DiCaprio was the only person from the site with whom she has been intimate.

“He mentioned cybering early on and at first I was dead-set against it. But sometimes one thing leads to another,” she says coyly. Evans admits she has only spoken to the actor once by phone (“he sounds very different than he does in the movies”) and that the two have never met in person. Yet she feels confident about their future together and is undaunted by the actor’s engagement to model Giselle Bundchen. “L-Dawg tells me he just needs to let her down in his own way.”

Rob Dibleski, 20, is sad about the end of the Chappelle Show which he says "made him feel like a brotha." He supposes this will be the end of his Rick James impression and he will be forced to dust off his In Living Color DVD's.

BRITNEY BABY PLEADS “GET ME OFF THIS CRAZY RIDE”

The yet-to-be-born child of pop star Britney Spears is rumored to have begun a search for new parents.

Pet psychic Armand Day, who also claims an ability to communicate with the unborn, says he was summoned to the singer’s Malibu home last week to check on the fetus Federline. “This is a remarkably unhappy child,” Day reported. Although the baby voiced concerns about issues ranging from the paparazzi to a growing Mountain Dew addiction, the child’s harshest words were reserved for its parents. “The baby refers to Britney as ‘Skank Mommy’ and doesn’t understand why Kevin is intent on ‘acting all black.’”

The fetus also begged not to be included in the couple’s reality show “Chaotic” which it characterized as “juvenile” and cautioned the public that “Skank Mommy is never going to lose the weight.”

WOMAN SEEKS GOD FINDS GIN

Janet Dawbs says that after twenty years of trying to achieve inner happiness through spiritual contemplation she discovered that the answer was as close as the corner liquor store. “Ever since the early 80’s I was lost,” Dawbs says. “I tried everything to find peace--yoga, meditation, long walks in the park, those weird snake handling churches—but inside I was still empty.”

Dawbs says she began drinking at a party six weeks ago and hasn’t stopped since. “I’ve discovered the only holy trinity I need: Jack, Jager, and Seven and Seven,” Dawbs said with a loud whoop after she returned our phone call at three in the morning and insisted on being called “the Crunkmaster General.” Dawbs went on to say she regrets the years she spent sober but credits her new faith in alcohol with helping her to move past her earlier mistakes, noting that she can barely remember what happened last night, let alone years ago. “I’m just thankful I stopped before I got into something really dangerous-- like Kabbalah,” she says.