Forced indoors by West Texas thunderstorms, a frustrated President Bush yesterday launched a multi-pronged offensive against the now defunct Kingdom of Prussia, a move that he hoped would enliven his working vacation but instead sparked criticism from antiwar protestors and historians. “Today the United States confronts an enemy whose time is long overdue: the evil and despotic regime of Prussia,” Bush said in a televised address. “Let King Frederick the Great and those of his ilk hear loud and clear that America will not stand idly by while our friends in Austria and Napoleonic France are subjected to the aggressions of this fascist dictatorship. Make no mistake, the road will be hard, but the United States will stay the course.”
Critics of the action pointed to the logistical difficulties of successfully mounting an attack against an eighteenth century monarch and a nation already disbanded by Nazis, but Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said credence should not be given to those he characterized as “naysayers.”
“This whole idea that because we have not found Prussia, that because I can’t point to it on a map it doesn’t exist, this is the sort of backwards thinking we need to move away from. Prussia may very well exist somewhere, in some form, and if it does then its behavior should be dealt with swiftly and severely,” Rumsfeld said, perhaps referring to the kingdom’s 1763 seizure of a small Austrian territory.
The President’s announcement has thus far prompted mostly bewilderment and a flood of speculation. “The most logical guess would be that the President was perhaps playing a game of Risk and got very, very carried away,” Howard Stevens, a professor of history at the University of Pennsylvania said. “If he was actually looking for a historical kingdom to go to war with, Prussia, a model democracy for many years, would be an unlikely choice. I’m pretty sure that if there still were such a thing as Prussians they would be extremely hurt by this announcement.”
A White House insider said that while the administration was somewhat embarrassed by the announcement and that in retrospect the decision to activate an additional 50,000 reservists may have been unwise, administration officials were hopeful that the President’s actions might send a message to rogue states like Saxony and Galindia and perhaps even help rein in the troublesome Vandals.